Unchained Dimmers

Spent $13 on bulbs to find out that my dimmer switch is broken on my 1989 chevy celebrity. Something inexpensive but now I've spent my money and have none left to fix the car - not sure if we have money for rent according to Wally. Wally's mad that I spent the money on the bulbs, because he kept hassling me to go to Mark. Well Mark doesn't want to work on cars, has had a lot of health problems and is thoroughly impossible to get ahold of. So now he's mad at me for taking care of the problem he's been asking me to take care of weeks. Well actually it's not completely fixed. At least I have brights that work. And then I spent some money at pizza hut - which was only like $6.35 which will take me two or three meals, but I'm sure he'll be mad about that because that was more money that I spent.

I guess I'll just live off cereal for the next two weeks.

Raarr... can't wait until the end of November when we have more money. Just a few more weeks. It'll be okay, right?

On the bright side I found out that Majel is an excellent dancer. She loves for me to sing and dance to Unchained Melody with her.

Last night I dreamed of Linus and he was the happiest and most beautiful I've ever seen him. It made me cry to wake up. I miss him so much.

My friend Mandi asked me if I was happy to bring home another cat. Truth is, I love Majel, but to be completely sated, the only thing that would do that was to bring Linus back home and for him to be healthy. I wanted someone to fill that hole. To help me cook, to help me watch tv, to cuddle with me. She does none of this. But she'll dance with me and she talks to me. I'm working on stuff. I'm just so tired.

Sympathy from my sweetie....

Let a big "frick" out yesterday while I was cooking and my husband asked me, "are you missing something?" And I said, "yes. No. Maybe. Well." And he said, "What is it?" I told him, "I saw the plastic bags out of the corner of my eyes and thought they were Linus" - we had just gone grocery shopping and hadn't put groceries away yet.

He came up a few minutes later and kissed me on the mouth, and said, "You know I love you, right?" I think he knew I was overwhelmed for a moment. That was awfully sweet of him. He's not as naturally good as the nurturing thing as Linus was... guess Wally needs more training

About Me

Majel came home with us on September 3rd. She is approximately 2 years old and is a rescue from the Springlake Animal Shelter in Iron Mountain. She is a gentle, naive, lady - my first girl kitty that wasn't a foster - and likes to play tug of war. She is fearless but not aggressive. You can't even get her to bite! She is a HUGE talker and is working on being a snuggler when she isn't playing with drawstrings from pants or catnip eggs. She likes to wash her tags on her collar just like Linus did. (I keep collars on my cats because I'm an overprotective mama-bear, but my cats are NEVER outdoor cats). She is named Majel (pronounced May jull) after Star Trek's creator Gene Roddenberry's wife Majel Barrett Roddenberry. Majel also means help and she is a big help. She has a slit in her ear that looks like the Vulcan salute. We tried countless names but this is the one she responds the most to. Majel does not jump hardly at all, and is the smallest cat I've ever had, at 9.6 pounds. Linus was a whopping 14.6 pounds, so I'm used to big kitties.
Mandarin was Linus's dear brother. They adopted each other. We adopted him from the animal shelter when he was 9 months old. It was February 3rd, I believe. LeAnn - my step-daughter - decided that Linus was lonely - which he was - and that he needed a brother - which he did - so I went to the animal shelter, working for HOURS with Mandarin until I brought him home and then he decided he wanted nothing to do with me until the last few months. He absolutely worshipped Linus, LeAnn and still does my husband. He and Majel are working out their kinks. Mandarin enjoys chewing up plastic, having stickers put on him, and being blown at. You blow at him, he comes over and slaps you then runs away. Mandarin is a talker, but he talks more to himself than anyone else. He swears a lot too. Mandarin likes to balance on doors, walk across hangers in the closet, and walk across door thresholds. He is a clown and an acrobat. He is also very spoiled. Mandarin obviously got his name because he was orange, but also my husband is produce assistant manager at the local grocery store and I am deathly allergic to oranges, so we thought it would be funny for me to have an orange to cuddle with.

So we know by now that I am an animal lover - especially cats - and that I had a lovely cat named Linus and now have a cat named Majel and a cat named Mandarin. What you may not know is well a lot. I love books, writing, reading, I knit, I am obsessed with Star Trek, www.thedarktower.com, and for some strange reason the Rocky Horror Picture Show!


I was born October 10, 1981 in Shreveport, Louisiana, the third of four children - the youngest being a boy. My father and an Indian nurse delivered me because the doctor had snuck out to go golfing! I ended up moving to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan with my father's job at the paper mill transferring, and have lived here all but two years since then. I moved when I was three. When I was 18 I moved to Mississippi. It was supposed to be for 3 months, but I ran out of money and it ended up being 2 years where I learned about life, rescuing animals, and who I was and who I wanted to be. That's where Linus came into my life. When I came back, I met my husband shortly after moving back, and we've been together since then in 2002. We got married in 2005 the year his daughter died - who also taught me more about who I wanted to be. She was our everything. His father-in-law died the day we were married. I was rushing to get the wedding put together because my father-in-law was dying of cancer. They gave him a year; he died within the month. April of 2007 we lost my father unexpectedly. He died in his sleep at my home.

Yeah, a lot has happened in my life, and I don't want to do my full biography here. Just a quick taste.

I am very happy with my husband, and grieving as fast as I can!

I have some very supportive friends, and some not so, but people give what they can.

I give. I am a giver and a lover. I am a "gentle soul" as my mother says.

I work at a bookstore and Wendy's. I am a person of diverse talents and interests. More to come with time...

Please nobody get offended by this. I know we are all walks and faiths, but I thought this was interesting.

So I talked to a friend about the Blessing of the Animals - every year I miss it because it's always on a Saturday when I work - and I told her that I would still like my animals to be blessed some way - I know this delves into religious territory and I'm not asking for a religious debate, I just found something interesting today. (I am very eclectic in my beliefs, but was raised Catholic). I decided I would get two St. Francis medals blessed by a priest to put on my cats. I figure maybe some more luck? I can handle more luck. Anything that there might be a chance of bringing blessings in my cat's lives I'm all for, and they like jewelery.

Well anyways, for funsies I looked up St. Linus. And there was a St. Linus. He was one of the first popes and he was in the bible!!! He was a pope and supposedly, according to some texts, buried next to the apostle Peter! Weird what you learn!

But get this: His feast day was September 23rd. This is astronomically amazing to me, because September 23rd was the day I got MY Linus. I don't know if this can be a coincidence, since there are 365-366 days in a year! Yeah, it gave me the chills.

But regardless, September 23rd will always be a special day for me. It was the day MY Linus came into my life. It's just funny that someone of the same name would have a holiday...

Songs to the tune of Linus

Renewed Linus Song
Linus I have loved you from the start
Linus I can't help it
you abducted my heart

And no matter where I roam
you're beside me I know
I love you Linus and you love me.

You knock over the Christmas tree
and do tricks for treats
then you wake me up at 3 am
to chew on my feet.

And no matter where I roam
you're beside me I know
I love you, Linus and you love me.

Now that you're older
you perch on my shoulder
and when I'm sickly
you take care of me even though it's icky.

And now that you've moved on
I have to change this song.
But still I love you Linus
and you love me.
I will love you
through all space and eternity.

Ouch
Ouch
what I wouldn't give
to have you on the back of the couch
where you belong; to have you live
with me for a little more
as long as you
weren't sore.
I miss you.
There is a crater in my life
that you made when you left this plane
There's a light
you brought to my life
that I look for every night.
My back, feels as if a knife
has been stuck between my shoulder blades
since you've been gone.
I've had one good night of sleep, well, may-
be two since you've been gone.
The pain doesn't fade
it doesn't diminish.
I feel like this play
has had a sick finish.
Most days I fake it
- and almost believe - that I'm okay
but I can't shake it
- no real relief - I don't want you away.
You were so much a part of me
and now that you have departed from me
I feel I have to relearn life.
It's almost like having to learn to walk again,
to breathe again
to talk again
to be me again.
To be everything again without you, Linus.
Minus Linus
I am a sore excuse for a person.
Without you, I am a diet version.
I miss you, my best friend.
I don't think I could ever be prepared
for the end.
I never thought you could make me care
so much with how many defenses
I had built.
And now I don't know
if that part of me has been killed,
if I have anywhere else to grow
even after everything you've taught.
I want to make you proud of me
but right now that's a lot
to ask for
a task for
which I am not prepared.
I never thought I could have cared
this much for anyone again.
I truly miss you my dearest friend.

Salve
I wish I could translate
from my memory and my emotions
how much you meant to me each day
but it's muddled like the oceans
Every night I lay
with the hopeful notion
that I will wake up to find
that this was all a dream
I wouldn't mind
not waking up to scream
from the loss I still find
as tears stream
I find you still have left me
I live with guilt, an angry friend
a friend I can communicate
with but who screams to no end
I don't know how to relate
even to those whose ears they lend
Is there a deeper name
for pain?
A stronger adage
for rage?
Is there a way to employ
the joy
that you brought to me each day
that you still stayed?
Anything I have you can have.
Anything I can get I would give.
If I could find the salve
to let you live.

Free Fallin
He's a good by, loves his mama
Loves catnip and doing tricks too
He's a good boy crazy bout Star Trek
Loves Mandarin and the Beatles too

Its a long day living in Kingsford
There's no freeway around us at all
And I'm a bad girl cause I can't not miss him
I'm a bad girl for stopping his heart

And I'm free, free fallin
Yeah I'm free, free fallin

All the vets are workin in their clinics
And all of their hearts soon fill with shards
And all the bad boys visit in the shadows
All the good girls are home with broken hearts

And I'm free, free fallin
Yeah I'm free, free fallin
Free fallin, now I'm free fallin, now I'm
Free fallin, now I'm free fallin, now I'm

I wanna take his soul to Valhalla
I wanna write his name in the sky
Gonna free fall out into nothin
Wanna leave this world for a while

And I'm free, free fallin
Yeah I'm free, free fallin

Morning Mouring
Mourning has broken me, like the first mourning
Eulogies spoken, like the first words
Pain in the singing, pain in the mourning
Pain in the stinging fresh from the world

Feel my new heart's fall, he sits in heaven
Like the first anvil, knocked off my a@@
I miss his sweetness, I feel myself weaken
With him was completeness and now he has passed

Mine was the sunlight I am now mourning
Born with this one life, I miss his face
I miss his elation, pain every morning
Wish for inspiration, to get through each day.

Another Linus Song
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
even though you're grey.
You'll never know dear,
how much I love you
Please don't take my Linus away.

Hurt
I hurt again today
At least it's something to feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
With you I found I was whole
With you my familiar, I'd sing
Memories ebb and fade
But I will remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everywhere I see you
My dear friend
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I had to put you down
I am left with hurt

I'm left forlorn
upon the rolling chair
Full of broken shards
I cannot repair
mistakes in the strains of time
The feelings reappear
I am someone else

But I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everywhere I go I see you
My dear friend
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I had to put you down
I am left with hurt.

If I could start again
A few light years away
I would keep you for myself
And take away your pain

Last Night

So I was really emotional, granted, and Wally is out at camp but do the cats HAVE to start fighting at midnight and keep going at it until like 1 30 in the morning?

Yes, I know it's a transition, Majel being new and everything but com'on!

And then neither could be bothered to sleep with me after I tried to play with them for how long???

Then, today, I caught them sleeping about two inches apart from each other! And I have evidence!

Why can't they just get along all the time? I don't get it! They better behave tonight. Oh, and they can't curl up with me but they can sleep on my pajama bottoms????

Raaaaaaaaaaaar...

I miss having a cuddler...

Linus

Linus Black
6/23/2000-8/24/2009

I used to live in Mississippi for two years and volunteered at the animal shelter every day. I fell in love with a little black and white kitten and worked with him for three months. One day the shelter manager sent him home with my aunt for me - she snuck him out. He was sick, and they had put to sleep 45 kittens at that shelter that day. She told me if he was going to make it, it would be because of me. But he couldn't. He was too sick. So what did Sheila do? She sent me home with another kitten. This one was a little siamese mix, a tabby with white, brown, grey and black markings. He was completely wild and scared of hands - so I didn't put him down literally for three days until he got over that; I'm surprised I don't have scars all over me. Sheila told me that he would take care of me, so I named him Linus, like the peanuts character. I was his blue blankie. Linus was the worst kitten that ever existed. He would wake me up every single half hour for the first year, to chew on me. He managed to drag around our poor foot tall x-mas tree his first Christmas. He didn't understand the word no for the first year, so to challenge some of this gnawing energy, I ended up teaching him tricks. He now knows sit, beg, fetch, speak, and paw. He became an excellent dance partner. (He loved the Beatles and would "swim" whenever he would hear them playing.) He became the greatest cat ever.

He also helped me survive losing my father and my step-daughter, and however many other family members. He has always been graceful and a little stoic, except when it came to food; then he became a chatter mouth.

There will never be another cat like Linus. He fits me perfectly. And I will miss him forever. He is more than a cat. He is a staple in my life. Our apartment will seem empty without him. It will be like getting rid of a piece of furniture, but more, you understand. It will seem that empty. When I was sick, he cared for me. When I was upset, he would find some way to make it better. When I thought there was no way I could ever work at such and such place, he gave me the motivation to go into work, because I had to care for him. He tried to get along with everyone. He calmed me when I was upset. He gave everything of him. He helped me cook, and kept the repairman amused. If I was sick, he would perch on my shoulder, and touch my face as if to say "It's okay. You'll be okay. I love you." Sometimes when I was sitting going to the bathroom he would come running from wherever and have to come in to touch my face with his paw. He just completely filled my heart and my life.

He was my best friend. That's why I let him go. I needed to do the best thing for my friend. I would given up anything for him. But it wasn't enough.

A friend told me that the reason why I was hurting so bad is so that he didn't have to. I can live with that. He should never have had to hurt.

I held Linus as he passed away. He never closed his eyes. He didn't want to leave his mom, even though he was so tired. I put him in his favorite position - floppy head, with his head upside down and his arms stretched out. I wrapped him in the blankie that I bought only because it was Linus-colored, his first toy (a purple hippo), his Christmas stocking I made for him and the blue blankie I just knitted last week for him. We buried him in a blue plastic container with a lid on it. Blue for his eyes. He looked very comfortable. He is buried up on my mother-in-law's property since that home will stay in the family, and then when it is Mandarin's time he can lay to sleep next to him. He is buried next to two of my mother-in-law's kitties so he doesn't have to be alone, and he is in the middle of a flower garden overlooking the property and her mass amount of trees. I think that's the best I could do.

Hopefully they will soon find a cure for FORL. What a horrible disease. What a horrible way to live. And with the complications he suffered, well, I just didn't want him to suffer any more.

Some mornings I think I did the wrong thing, but most mornings I think of the song "I Would Do Anything For Love" by Meatloaf. Because I would do anything for love, but I wouldn't do that, and that "that" was to prolong his suffering because I wanted him with me and I needed him. But usually I listen to the Beatles since those were his favorites. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I sob, sometimes I smile. But at least some of it's getting out so I can go function at work.
And today I am bringing home a kitty from the animal shelter. Linus's brother Mandarin is VERY lonely so I am giving a little lady a chance. It won't fix this crater in my heart where Linus lived, but it might help patch up the edges. I have enough love in me for another cat. That is a blessing, and Linus would not want me to be lonely.

I miss Linus all the time. I don't know how to explain it, but even with losing 8 other family members of mine in less than 4 years, in some ways, this was the hardest because Linus NEVER left me. At least with some of my human relatives there was some distance because I didn't live with them, and not to say I didn't love them, but Linus was ALWAYS there. He was always there for me. I like to think that by putting this kitty into my life, that he is still taking care of me.

Linus helped me foster countless cats, dogs, puppies, kittens, birds, and raccoons while I was living in Mississippi. He was the best big brother EVER. He LOVED being the one to help me with other animals. Maybe he will grant some of that patience to Mandarin and Majel and he will be close.

I don't know. I can only hope this will work. I will love you until the end of time. My friend, my love, my son. I guess this place will be my place to vent and just well.. blog, that's what you do is vent, right?