Linus

Linus Black
6/23/2000-8/24/2009

I used to live in Mississippi for two years and volunteered at the animal shelter every day. I fell in love with a little black and white kitten and worked with him for three months. One day the shelter manager sent him home with my aunt for me - she snuck him out. He was sick, and they had put to sleep 45 kittens at that shelter that day. She told me if he was going to make it, it would be because of me. But he couldn't. He was too sick. So what did Sheila do? She sent me home with another kitten. This one was a little siamese mix, a tabby with white, brown, grey and black markings. He was completely wild and scared of hands - so I didn't put him down literally for three days until he got over that; I'm surprised I don't have scars all over me. Sheila told me that he would take care of me, so I named him Linus, like the peanuts character. I was his blue blankie. Linus was the worst kitten that ever existed. He would wake me up every single half hour for the first year, to chew on me. He managed to drag around our poor foot tall x-mas tree his first Christmas. He didn't understand the word no for the first year, so to challenge some of this gnawing energy, I ended up teaching him tricks. He now knows sit, beg, fetch, speak, and paw. He became an excellent dance partner. (He loved the Beatles and would "swim" whenever he would hear them playing.) He became the greatest cat ever.

He also helped me survive losing my father and my step-daughter, and however many other family members. He has always been graceful and a little stoic, except when it came to food; then he became a chatter mouth.

There will never be another cat like Linus. He fits me perfectly. And I will miss him forever. He is more than a cat. He is a staple in my life. Our apartment will seem empty without him. It will be like getting rid of a piece of furniture, but more, you understand. It will seem that empty. When I was sick, he cared for me. When I was upset, he would find some way to make it better. When I thought there was no way I could ever work at such and such place, he gave me the motivation to go into work, because I had to care for him. He tried to get along with everyone. He calmed me when I was upset. He gave everything of him. He helped me cook, and kept the repairman amused. If I was sick, he would perch on my shoulder, and touch my face as if to say "It's okay. You'll be okay. I love you." Sometimes when I was sitting going to the bathroom he would come running from wherever and have to come in to touch my face with his paw. He just completely filled my heart and my life.

He was my best friend. That's why I let him go. I needed to do the best thing for my friend. I would given up anything for him. But it wasn't enough.

A friend told me that the reason why I was hurting so bad is so that he didn't have to. I can live with that. He should never have had to hurt.

I held Linus as he passed away. He never closed his eyes. He didn't want to leave his mom, even though he was so tired. I put him in his favorite position - floppy head, with his head upside down and his arms stretched out. I wrapped him in the blankie that I bought only because it was Linus-colored, his first toy (a purple hippo), his Christmas stocking I made for him and the blue blankie I just knitted last week for him. We buried him in a blue plastic container with a lid on it. Blue for his eyes. He looked very comfortable. He is buried up on my mother-in-law's property since that home will stay in the family, and then when it is Mandarin's time he can lay to sleep next to him. He is buried next to two of my mother-in-law's kitties so he doesn't have to be alone, and he is in the middle of a flower garden overlooking the property and her mass amount of trees. I think that's the best I could do.

Hopefully they will soon find a cure for FORL. What a horrible disease. What a horrible way to live. And with the complications he suffered, well, I just didn't want him to suffer any more.

Some mornings I think I did the wrong thing, but most mornings I think of the song "I Would Do Anything For Love" by Meatloaf. Because I would do anything for love, but I wouldn't do that, and that "that" was to prolong his suffering because I wanted him with me and I needed him. But usually I listen to the Beatles since those were his favorites. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I sob, sometimes I smile. But at least some of it's getting out so I can go function at work.
And today I am bringing home a kitty from the animal shelter. Linus's brother Mandarin is VERY lonely so I am giving a little lady a chance. It won't fix this crater in my heart where Linus lived, but it might help patch up the edges. I have enough love in me for another cat. That is a blessing, and Linus would not want me to be lonely.

I miss Linus all the time. I don't know how to explain it, but even with losing 8 other family members of mine in less than 4 years, in some ways, this was the hardest because Linus NEVER left me. At least with some of my human relatives there was some distance because I didn't live with them, and not to say I didn't love them, but Linus was ALWAYS there. He was always there for me. I like to think that by putting this kitty into my life, that he is still taking care of me.

Linus helped me foster countless cats, dogs, puppies, kittens, birds, and raccoons while I was living in Mississippi. He was the best big brother EVER. He LOVED being the one to help me with other animals. Maybe he will grant some of that patience to Mandarin and Majel and he will be close.

I don't know. I can only hope this will work. I will love you until the end of time. My friend, my love, my son. I guess this place will be my place to vent and just well.. blog, that's what you do is vent, right?